The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
just got my engagement photos
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.