The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
that de-escalated quickly
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*