The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
December birthdays be like…
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes