The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)