The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Good morning ☺️
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh