the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
#Caturday
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?