the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
![]()
You Might Also Like
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
![]()
![]()
![]()
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.