The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs