Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Hoping to spice up my evening

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?