She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Yeah. This was me today.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.