The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

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Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?


my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.


Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.


him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–


A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.


Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?

Husband: sure!

[1 day later]

Me: honey, did you make that call?

Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!

[1 year later]

Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.


4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.


All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.


Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..


Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical