The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Inside you there are two wolves
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant