The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces