The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I’m ready for Halloween this year
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what