The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…