Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Whoops

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Customize Your Wedding.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial