The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing