The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.