The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.