Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

barbara was highly relatable

Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

My favorite farside!!