The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
My birthstone is pecan pie.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Saving my good tweets for marriage
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.