Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

it’s the silliest best thing

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

#catsoftwitter

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.