Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂💯

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

He’s cranky this morning

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.