Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Happy birthday to all the women

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”