The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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