The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Everyone is getting idioter.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.