Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Those are good neighbors.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*