The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
one week till the election
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.