Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

😭😭😭

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?