Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?