The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis