The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.