Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

accurate

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

i meant to share this earlier

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

This is a whole mood;

they should invent a hydrating liquor

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage