The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.