Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?