Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.