The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Respect
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”