The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
WTF IS THAT!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*jazz hands*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.