the red hot silly peppers
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”