the red hot silly peppers
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Just did a big green poo by a canal
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.