the red hot silly peppers
You Might Also Like
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.