The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
New Tinder profile.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not