Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.