The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.