The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Uh oh 👀
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris