@TomSchally: The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done. To remind myself that I control the list.
@SadMeterologist: -I heard this dog was chipped. -Microchipped sir. -I don't care how small the chip is, I'm not paying full price.
@mijamtweets: Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."
@numeri33: Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner. I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.