The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Why font matters.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,