The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
You Might Also Like
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR