Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.