Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

real

Super Hand Dog Face

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.