The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
True
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead