The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You Might Also Like
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default