The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs