Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Good morning.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.