The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.