Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

i just found this in my phone

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.