Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!