Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Hitlers gonna hitl