The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?