Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are