Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Actually cracking up @ this

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1630224970449125379/pu/vid/576x1024/yIrDFP8MS2zcd0V4.mp4?tag=12

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want