The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
you’re damn right i have