The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife