The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
every college guy’s fridge
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
(Musicians.)
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude