Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

omg leave her alone

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.