The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water