The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
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“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.