Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Joseph Smith, 1833

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?