The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
New tinder profile pic
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
