The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.