Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Pro tip for my good boys out there

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?