The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?