The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
What personal space?
My dog
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly