Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.