I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.