Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

here we go again

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.